WARNING SUPER LONG POST AHEAD
*Haven't felt the need to vent in awhile. I haven't touched this blog in years, but times have changed & well.... I have my own reasons so take your opinions and fuck off.
**THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE SO DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I JUST WANT TO LET OUT MY FRUSTRATIONS. PERIOD. YES I KNOW THIS IS A PUBLIC PLATFORM, BUT I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A DAMN ANYMORE.
***I have my own reasons for not making it private and I don't have to explain them to you. If you judge me for this then you truly don't know me, and you can jolly well take your judgments and shove them up your ass hole. I'M HUMAN, THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH I CAN HOLD IN.
In all my (short) life so far I have never ever felt such a strong desire to have the ability to turn off my mind, body and heart all at the same time. Sure I have made this wish countless of times before, but it was to be able to turn off either 1 of the 3, not all at once. I have reached a point where I literally wish I had no fucks to give about everything, & not just in terms of emotions, literally EVERY SINGLE DAMN THING.
All aspects of my life right now are currently undergoing multiple forms of conflicts, issues or causes for concern, & they are popping up way too fast one after the other for me to even think about and mull over thoroughly let alone properly address and/or solve them.
I already knew since the before 2015 ended that 2016 is going to be a very eventful year, I just never expected that the negative events would outweigh the positive, BY A LOT.
Whatever that can possibly go wrong in different parts of a person's life is literally happening to me. NOTHING IS BLOODY NEUTRAL OR EVEN DOING WELL. Whatever you can think of is all on the damn list.
I haven't been sleeping, I haven't been eating... oh who the fuck am I kidding- I HAVEN'T BEEN LIVING LIFE AT ALL. Sure there's been good times, I'd even go so far as to say there's even been happy times.... they were all short-lived. Un-fucking-fortunately, the bad times have successfully and completely overshadowed and tainted all the good times.
My laughter is no longer carefree;
My sleep is no longer restful- even if I do try;
My meals are no longer enjoyable- I cant barely stomach food even when I'm hungry;
My body is at its limits- it has succumbed to the effects of sleep-deprivation;
My mind is no longer quiet- there's so much nonsense in there that I'm surprised I still remember to breathe
My sanity is in shambles- I'm constantly wishing I was dead just so I can escape;
My self-control is failing- emotions are flaring worse than before, I am constantly at the brink of yelling at everyone and anything can set me off;
My substance-control has gone out the window- I am now living off green tea, coffee and red bull;
My confidence has suffered so many attacks that I constantly doubt myself;
My self-esteem is at an all time low because I legitimately constantly feel depressed;
Productivity is shit; Motivation is practically non-existent; STRESS LEVELS ARE AT A FUCKING ALL-TIME HIGH
I CANT THINK STRAIGHT.
I'M FEELING SO MANY EMOTIONS CONSTANTLY AT EVERY MOMENT THAT A LAYER OF NUMBNESS HAS FORMED BUT THEY ARE ALL STILL CHURNING BENEATH THE SURFACE.
I FEEL SO DRAINED FROM THE INSANE LEVEL OF SLEEP-DEPRIVATION YET I FEAR FALLING ASLEEP BECAUSE I WORRY THAT I WILL NOT HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO MEET MY DEADLINES.
I FEEL AS THOUGH EVERYONE IS EXPECTING SO MUCH FROM ME BECAUSE I HAVE PROVEN BEFORE THAT I AM SOMEONE WHO IS RELIABLE, DEPENDABLE, AND ABLE TO GET THINGS DONE.
I FEEL AS THOUGH THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD IS ON MY SHOULDERS BUT YET I LACK THE STRENGTH OF A SUPER BEING TO HOLD IT UP.
I HONESTLY FEEL LIKE I'M BEING CRUSHED UNDER THE HUGE WEIGHT OF RESPONSIBILITIES, DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS: SOME BY CHOICE AND SOME BY FORCE.
I AM SUFFOCATING FROM ALL THE CONFLICT AND DROWNING IN ALL THE TURMOIL.
I AM SO FUCKING STRESSED OUT AND YET I CANNOT FIND ANY RELIEF OR RELEASE
I want to cry but the tears wont fall
I want to yell but the sound won't come
I want to destroy everything but my strength is gone
I am constantly looking for an outlet but there doesn't seem to be an exit
I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING CONSTANTLY SCRUTINIZED THAT EVERY DECISION I MAKE AND EVERY ACTION I TAKE GOES THROUGH MULTIPLE ROUNDS OF SECOND GUESSING
My true self is constantly suppressed
My behaviour feels forced and fake
My words do not feel like my own
I LONG TO BREAK FREE FROM THESE CHAINS BUT I CANNOT EXPLAIN WHAT IT IS THAT IS PREVENTING ME FROM DOING SO
I AM CHOKING ON MY OWN DESPERATION TO BE FREE AND PART OF MY SUFFERING IS CAUSED BY MY OWN DECISIONS.
I am so lost in this world and yet nothing I do, no one I ask is able to help me find my way again.
I am questioning all my beliefs.
I have lost my identity
I am nothing but a shell of the person I was
I do not who I am
I have lost all hope in myself
I do not trust myself
I KNOW NOT WHAT IS KEEPING ME TOGETHER.
PRIDE?
DUTY?
On 1 hand I know that people will be sad if I'm gone;
but on the other I feel that no one would honestly care if I was
I feel like I belong and yet like an outcast at the same time
I do not know if I fit in or not; if my presence is welcomed; if people even genuinely liked me
MY SELF-DOUBT HAS SPIRALED SO FAR OUT OF CONTROL
I WANT TO ASK FOR HELP BUT THE WORDS WONT FORM
I HAVE GOTTEN SO USED TO LISTENING TO OTHERS THAT I NO LONGER KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS
MY FEELINGS HAVE BEEN LOCKED UP FOR SO LONG THAT IT IS NOW FULL AND OVERLOADED. IT IS ON THE VERGE OF BURSTING OPEN BUT I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO STOP IT
Tired of feeling, tired of caring, tired of trying to be a good person to everyone.
Tired of feeling unappreciated, tired of being ignored, tired of being overlooked
Tired of being the second choice, tired of being the afterthought, tired of being left out
Tired of being forgotten, tired of being taken for granted, tired of being used
TIRED OF LONGING, TIRED OF WANTING, TIRED OF NEEDING
TIRED OF ENVY, TIRED OF JEALOUSY, TIRED OF INSECURITY
TIRED OF BEING THE RESPONSIBLE ONE
TIRED OF BEING THE DEPENDABLE ONE
TIRED OF HAVING TO BE STRONG, TO BE THE CONSTANT PILLAR OF SUPPORT WHEN DEEP DOWN I'M DECAYING
I AM JUST SO FUCKING EXHAUSTED OF EVERYONE, EVERYTHING AND MYSELF
Dear God/Fate/Karma/Everything else that people believe controls & influences people's lives.
YOU WIN
I admit it. YOU FUCKING WIN.
I'm asking you, no- I'm bloody fucking begging you to please STOP!!!!!!!!!
STOP TOYING WITH MY LIFE.
STOP PUNISHING ME FOR WHATEVER WRONG I OR MY PAST LIVES MAY HAVE COMMITTED.
STOP THROWING OBSTACLES IN MY WAY AT EVERY TURN BECAUSE I AM EMPTY.
