VENTING OUT MY FRUSTRATIONS

WARNING SUPER LONG POST AHEAD

*Haven't felt the need to vent in awhile.  I haven't touched this blog in years, but times have changed & well.... I have my own reasons so take your opinions and fuck off.

**THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE SO DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I JUST WANT TO LET OUT MY FRUSTRATIONS. PERIOD. YES I KNOW THIS IS A PUBLIC PLATFORM, BUT I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A DAMN ANYMORE.

***I have my own reasons for not making it private and I don't have to explain them to you. If you judge me for this then you truly don't know me, and you can jolly well take your judgments and shove them up your ass hole. I'M HUMAN, THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH I CAN HOLD IN.

In all my (short) life so far I have never ever felt such a strong desire to have the ability to turn off my mind, body and heart all at the same time. Sure I have made this wish countless of times before, but it was to be able to turn off either 1 of the 3, not all at once. I have reached a point where I literally wish I had no fucks to give about everything, & not just in terms of emotions, literally EVERY SINGLE DAMN THING.

All aspects of my life right now are currently undergoing multiple forms of conflicts, issues or causes for concern, & they are popping up way too fast one after the other for me to even think about and mull over thoroughly let alone properly address and/or solve them.

I already knew since the before 2015 ended that 2016 is going to be a very eventful year, I just never expected that the negative events would outweigh the positive, BY A LOT.

Whatever that can possibly go wrong in different parts of a person's life is literally happening to me.  NOTHING IS BLOODY NEUTRAL OR EVEN DOING WELL. Whatever you can think of is all on the damn list.

I haven't been sleeping, I haven't been eating... oh who the fuck am I kidding-  I HAVEN'T BEEN LIVING LIFE AT ALL.  Sure there's been good times, I'd even go so far as to say there's even been happy times.... they were all short-lived.  Un-fucking-fortunately,  the bad times have successfully and completely overshadowed and tainted all the good times.

My laughter is no longer carefree;

My sleep is no longer restful- even if I do try;  

My meals are no longer enjoyable-  I cant barely stomach food even when I'm hungry;  

My body is at its limits- it has succumbed to the effects of sleep-deprivation; 

My mind is no longer quiet- there's so much nonsense in there that I'm surprised I still remember to breathe

My sanity is in shambles- I'm constantly wishing I was dead just so I can escape;

My self-control is failing- emotions are flaring worse than before, I am constantly at the brink of yelling at everyone and anything can set me off; 

My substance-control has gone out the window- I am now living off green tea, coffee and red bull; 

My confidence has suffered so many attacks that I constantly doubt myself;

My self-esteem is at an all time low because I legitimately constantly feel depressed;

Productivity is shit; Motivation is practically non-existent; STRESS LEVELS ARE AT A FUCKING ALL-TIME HIGH

I CANT THINK STRAIGHT.

I'M FEELING SO MANY EMOTIONS CONSTANTLY AT EVERY MOMENT THAT A LAYER OF NUMBNESS HAS FORMED BUT THEY ARE ALL STILL CHURNING BENEATH THE SURFACE.

I FEEL SO DRAINED FROM THE INSANE LEVEL OF SLEEP-DEPRIVATION YET I FEAR FALLING ASLEEP BECAUSE I WORRY THAT I WILL NOT HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO MEET MY DEADLINES.

I FEEL AS THOUGH EVERYONE IS EXPECTING SO MUCH FROM ME BECAUSE I HAVE PROVEN BEFORE THAT I AM SOMEONE WHO IS RELIABLE, DEPENDABLE, AND ABLE TO GET THINGS DONE.

I FEEL AS THOUGH THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD IS ON MY SHOULDERS BUT YET I LACK THE STRENGTH OF A SUPER BEING TO HOLD IT UP.

I HONESTLY FEEL LIKE I'M BEING CRUSHED UNDER THE HUGE WEIGHT OF RESPONSIBILITIES, DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS: SOME BY CHOICE AND SOME BY FORCE.

I AM SUFFOCATING FROM ALL THE CONFLICT AND DROWNING IN ALL THE TURMOIL.

I AM SO FUCKING STRESSED OUT AND YET I CANNOT FIND ANY RELIEF OR RELEASE

I want to cry but the tears wont fall

I want to yell but the sound won't come

I want to destroy everything but my strength is gone

I am constantly looking for an outlet but there doesn't seem to be an exit

I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING CONSTANTLY SCRUTINIZED THAT EVERY DECISION I MAKE AND EVERY ACTION I TAKE GOES THROUGH MULTIPLE ROUNDS OF SECOND GUESSING

My true self is constantly suppressed

My behaviour feels forced and fake

My words do not feel like my own

I LONG TO BREAK FREE FROM THESE CHAINS BUT I CANNOT EXPLAIN WHAT IT IS THAT IS PREVENTING ME FROM DOING SO

I AM CHOKING ON MY OWN DESPERATION TO BE FREE AND PART OF MY SUFFERING IS CAUSED BY MY OWN DECISIONS.

I joke about dying and committing suicide but I no longer know where the joke ends and where the truth begins

I am so lost in this world and yet nothing I do, no one I ask is able to help me find my way again.

I am questioning all my beliefs.

I have lost my identity

I am nothing but a shell of the person I was

I do not who I am

I have lost all hope in myself

I do not trust myself

I KNOW NOT WHAT IS KEEPING ME TOGETHER.

PRIDE?

DUTY?

On 1 hand I know that people will be sad if I'm gone;

but on the other I feel that no one would honestly care if I was

I feel like I belong and yet like an outcast at the same time

I do not know if I fit in or not; if my presence is welcomed; if people even genuinely liked me

 

MY SELF-DOUBT HAS SPIRALED SO FAR OUT OF CONTROL

I WANT TO ASK FOR HELP BUT THE WORDS WONT FORM

I HAVE GOTTEN SO USED TO LISTENING TO OTHERS THAT I NO LONGER KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS

MY FEELINGS HAVE BEEN LOCKED UP FOR SO LONG THAT IT IS NOW FULL AND OVERLOADED.  IT IS ON THE VERGE OF BURSTING OPEN BUT I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO STOP IT

Confused.Angry.Frustrated.Depressed.Annoyed.Dejected.Conflicted. TIRED

Tired of feeling, tired of caring, tired of trying to be a good person to everyone.

Tired of feeling unappreciated, tired of being ignored, tired of being overlooked

Tired of being the second choice, tired of being the afterthought, tired of being left out

Tired of being forgotten, tired of being taken for granted, tired of being used

TIRED OF LONGING, TIRED OF WANTING, TIRED OF NEEDING

TIRED OF ENVY, TIRED OF JEALOUSY, TIRED OF INSECURITY

TIRED OF BEING THE RESPONSIBLE ONE

TIRED OF BEING THE DEPENDABLE ONE

TIRED OF HAVING TO BE STRONG, TO BE THE CONSTANT PILLAR OF SUPPORT WHEN DEEP DOWN I'M DECAYING

I AM JUST SO FUCKING EXHAUSTED OF EVERYONE, EVERYTHING AND MYSELF

that I feel like killing myself to end my misery

Dear God/Fate/Karma/Everything else that people believe controls & influences people's lives.

YOU WIN
I admit it.  YOU FUCKING WIN. 

I'm asking you, no- I'm bloody fucking begging you to please STOP!!!!!!!!!

STOP TOYING WITH MY LIFE.

STOP PUNISHING ME FOR WHATEVER WRONG I OR MY PAST LIVES MAY HAVE COMMITTED.

STOP THROWING OBSTACLES IN MY WAY AT EVERY TURN BECAUSE I AM EMPTY.

I AM AT MY LIMIT

I AM ON THE VERGE OF HAVING A PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND EMOTIONAL BREAK DOWN

 

SO PLEASE JUST FUCKING STOP!

 

I AM DONE
I CANNOT TAKE ANYMORE AND
I HAVE NO MORE TO GIVE

 

My 18th Birthday Celebrations- Part 1 :)

My 18th birthday celebration is one I'll never forget. Besides giving me a great time, it also showed me some of the friends who were worth keeping & the ones I do not need in my life. Glad I could get rid of them now before they truly caused me trouble. But hey, that's life for you~

My big day has come, & for the first time I'm looking forward to it. Usually I would just want to hide away & pretend its not my birthday because I hate all the attention....guess I'm just not the type who likes getting attention, be it good or bad :P

A few days before the actual date (& for the first time ever), I was asking a few NS friends whether they were free to celebrate with me because I was hoping they'd be able to join as they weren't studying too far away. Too bad some of them had previous obligations so I wasn't too disappointed, & they meant it when they said they wish they could make it so all is well :D

On Friday itself my twin "sons" purposely came back from KL just to celebrate with me~ To tell you the truth, I was touched that they left KL straight after class to come celebrate with me, you can't get better friends than them <3

Besides that, they even bought me a cake as my birthday present!! That was the 1st surprise of the night~

My twin "sons"- J & D, and the birthday cake they bought for me~
Holy cream!! ><

Initially, S was suppose to pick them up. I can't remember how it was I ended up picking them up but I didn't mind anyway cuz I love them to bits!! I had to pick up Kitty Lim anyway XD

We had been waiting at Pizza Hut for awhile now waiting for S to arrive after picking up SS. I was busy chatting on the phone with my NS friend,Fei who couldn't make it. He'd already wished me 3 times that day & that phone call was the 4th.

While I was distracted with calling my "daughter" (PG), my late friends suddenly appeared out of nowhere and placed a big red box right under my nose! Imagine my shock to see such a big & beautifully wrapped gift! This was the second surprise of the night~ <3

The Big Red Present!! :D

After the celebration we took loads of pics and all the while I was wondering what did was in the big red box. My friends said that when I opened it once I was home I would be completely shocked, so that piqued my curiosity even more & I couldn't wait to open it......

We switched location to Tanjung, Muar & I called my "brother" to join us since he had just finished his tuition. He was gonna celebrate with me the next day.

This is one of the pictures we took at Tanjung. It isn't a complete group shot but its one I like a lot ^^

Camerawomen is Kitty Lim ;)

After Tanjung I headed back to S's house in Bakri. YS joined us and we chatted until quite late. I decided to open my Big Red Present & I sure got the surprise of my life!! Guess what was in it!!

RM25+ worth of Choclairs, M&Ms & 3 Ferrero Rochers

Third surprise of the day!! Definitely a shocker!! Wondering how long its gonna take for me to finish all of it XP

The celebration on the actual date of my birthday will probably be the most memorable celebration in my life. The fact that there was more celebrations after left me 'birthday high' for a week!!! <3

2012- Before College

This is pretty late seeing as half of 2012 has gone by but I don't see any reason about not posting what I first thought at the beginning of the year & how it has changed so far.

Then

2011 has come & gone so fast I can hardly remember all the details. Now that we've all graduated from secondary school, its time to grow up & take on the world head on by deciding our future careers. It is the time where friends have to part ways with each other & lead their own lives, where the chances of seeing each other again in college/university has been reduced greatly. Hopefully we'll be able to keep n touch & see each other often even though we have to lead separate lives now......I believe we can so here's to a great year for all of us, surviving in the great unknown they call: COLLEGE


A lot has happened since that day when we counted down at Tanjung, Muar..... 

1. Two days later I was shipped off to NS in Pahang (but that's a different story to tell). I missed out on a lot of things back home for the whole 3 months I was there, but it was definitely an unforgettable experience :) When I came back I felt completely out of sorts: missing everyone back in NS, busy organizing meet ups & hang outs with the rest of my friends who were still in Muar then, & counting down to the day we'd get our SPM results.....which was 4 days after we came back. "GREAT" =.=
2. I got 7As & I was pretty satisfied since I didn't really study~ That whole day literally passed by in a whirl, & I hardly remembered a thing. I just remember a strap on my sandals snapped off & I was only wearing it for the 3rd/4th time that day...
3. After that it was hang out after hang out & even more hang outs. My circle of friends was already big enough after NS, but it freaking exploded when I came back to Muar & I have no idea how. Its probably through new friends/NS being the common thing but yeah....my life was at an all time high~~~!!!!
4. There were also constant birthday celebrations. Near the end of May until the end of June there were birthdays after birthdays after birthdays.........I was broke by the time college started and even more so after Redang. OTL!! But hey, it was worth it~ I had the chance to make my friends' birthdays as memorable as possible, since you're only 18 once.
5. In between all the hang outs there were trips with friends:

• Going to Segamat to meet up with my NS friends
• Going to KL with my NS friends
• Heading to Melaka constantly for movies with old & new friends
• Going back to Segamat again but meeting up with a different group of friends from Labis

And the last trip before college: 

• Redang trip baby!!! All the corals may have died when we went but it was definitely a very memorable trip ^^ 

Time was drawing closer & closer to the day when I had to leave for KL because of college, but before that depressing day was my birthday. No idea if I should've been happy or sad :/

I Miss You

"Henry? Henry?! Oh my god Henry!!"

Its the third day since you passed away and no matter what I do I kept thinking of you and all the memories we shared:

-From the day he brought you & your sister home when you were barely 4 months old in the month of June, 2006. Feeling excited and happy that I have the chance to actually take care of 2 dogs 4 the 1st time in my 12-year-old life.
-Taking care of you, feeding you, grooming you, even cleaning up after you. Bathing you two for the 1st time & getting completely wet in the process because you both were so afraid of getting wet back then that you didn't stop moving.
-Getting many clothes bitten to shreds by you & your sister during your teething stage where everything you 2 could get a hold on was chewed to pieces, including a few pairs of slippers.
-The 1st time you both ran out & the experience of chasing after you both fearing something bad would happen or that you'd get lost. The slight pain in my heart seeing you both being punished and the relieved feeling later when you still came close to me.
-Coming back after 2 weeks holiday in KL to see that you've both grown so much bigger & wondering if you could get any furier & fluffier. The never-ending furballs from your coat & wondering to myself how many more you can produce
-Training you & teaching you both how to sit & feeling happy that you do it on command each time
-Getting mad, having fun, taking you on your 1st & last walk around the neighbourhood because you both didn't know when to stop & having to drag you two back home because you couldn't go any further.
-Watching you take over for Savannah when she got tired of cleaning Pretty & thinking your such an uncharacteristically fatherly dog
-Feeling happy that you could finally understand the command stay
-Finding out from the maid that your testicles actually had maggots & feeling completely weird & grossed out but glad that you didn't have to remove them
-Discovering that your right knee joint mysteriously got gangreen & missing you when you had to be sent to the vet for a few weeks when we found out the left knee joint also had it and feeling happy when you finally returned
-Feeling worried when few months later your right knee joint had a wound again but luckily it was only a maggot infection & not gangreen. Feeling disgusted when I had to clean you wound with Detol & seeing all the maggots inside squiggel about, squeezing puss & maggots out later on & realized that your wound was pretty big inside. Cleaning your wound constantly and putting the cone on your head to keep you from licking it & making it worse. Relieved when the last of the maggots were squeezed out & not feeling grossed out about it anymore
-Keeping your wound clean so that it'll heal without anymore infections. Giving him instructions when I had to go to KL for the holidays. Coming back relieved to see he took good care of it and that it was almost completely closed
-Pitying you when you somehow managed to reopen the wound few weeks later & laughing at you since you still hated wearing the cone around your neck. Wondering why it was always you who got injured and hating that you always had to suffer.
-Moving you all into the dog house so you'd had constant shade and getting a paranoid feeling that you'd all hurt yourselves trying to get out because it was obvious you all didn't like it
-Wondering how you've been able to climb out when you couldn't before


And the worst memory of all, the image of your lifeless body half off the ground, your neck dangling at a very awkward position, seeing the dried trail of saliva on your jaw, the puddle of saliva+blood around your body and thinking to myself how much you must have suffered.

Thinking how I could've saved you if I hadn't had to go to school that day.

Thinking of how much pain you went through and wondering just how long did you suffer before you died.

The tears welling up in my eyes as I tried to loosen the chain around your neck, hoping you were only choking and that there was still a chance you could be saved.

Crying my heart out when I finally managed to remove you and realising your neck was completely dislocated and twisted such that your neck bone was jutting out.

Shaking you, refusing to give up hope and denying what I was seeing.

Feeling hopeless & completely heart-broken when it finally sunk in that you were long gone while gazing through bleary eyes at your lifeless body.

Sitting there on the floor stroking your soft coat under my hands & blaming myself for not unhooking you from your leash.

The solemn and almost sad looks Savannah & Pretty had when I glanced up at them when I could finally pull myself together long enough to call him.

Feeling fresh tears well up again as I had to stuff you in a trash bag & then anger when the plastic bag broke and I had to drag you unceremoniously to the hole because I couldn't carry you.

The image of you lying there & looking as though you were merely sleeping almost had me balling again but I managed to hold it in until I got back inside the house.

All the while thoughts of an apathetic father, a sympathetic helper, the expressions on Savannah & Pretty's faces revolved around in my head as I sat there crying again.

Anger, sadness, melancholy, more anger, depression; a constant whirlwind of emotions swelled within me as I missed you with each growing moment.

I will never forget you Henry. Funny how you had to die for me to finally realisize you really are and forever will be my favourite. I guess its because I didn't want to be biased.

How long will your memory haunt my each and every waking moment? How long will it be before I can safely look at your grave and not feel sad? How long until I can look at other dogs without thinking of you and feeling tears prick my eyes?

The memory of your lifeless body will haunt me for as long as live. I hope you are at peace where ever you are now. Know that I will never forget you for the rest of my life.........

It raining heavily now and it makes the feeling inside me grow stronger. I miss you Henry, I always will.

Rollercoaster Week

This whole week has literally been a rollercoaster ride. 180 degree mood swings, exhaustion.... I guess you could say it all started with last Saturday

Saturday

• had to wake up for school to replace Deepavali holiday
• school hosted Kanival Bahasa Melayu so us Form 5's and a few other classes had to move
• had to endure ridiculous quiz
• got the deadline to hand in our Moral Folios: Tuesday

Sunday

• got an impromptu wake up call from Friend A at 11+ (too early for me)
• went for haircut with said friend (still not used to my new hairstyle yet)
• rushed home to eat and then on to Friend B's hse
• couldn't finished typing everything I needed to complete my Moral Folio but couldn't stay to finish it (luckily Friend B is such a good friend and offered to help)
• rushed home to pick up badminton gear before rushing off to Friend C's house to pick said friend up and then rushing to the badminton court
• couldn't warm up properly before engaging in "battle" with said friend
• went to Friend D's house with Friend C to pick up a few things
• was rushed home by "Princess" who insisted on me accompanying her for dinner
• had to rush through my shower because said "princess" was tired of waiting
• harrased by "Princess" & "Mini Asshole" about ridiculous matters
• insomnia again

Monday

• woke up reluctantly and abandoning my sweet, warm, welcoming bed
• had really bad muscle ache in both thighs and right arm thanks to the badminton game on Sunday
• slightly late thanks to the insomnia from the previous night
• everyone managed to get "high" from last weeks victory by the netball team over school's age-old rival after getting over Monday blues, including me
• Head Of Student Affairs succeeded in killing everyone's buzz by announcing jaw-dropping and completely contradicting news which I translate and quote:

"The school's Koperasi will no longer be selling food during recess. Students are only allowed to buy food from the Koperasi outside of recess period. This is because the school wants to determine whether all the food poisoning cases are caused by the food sold at the canteen or by the food sold at the Koperasi"

How dumb can the school get? Of course the source of all the food poisoning is the canteen, the Koperasi sells mostly packaged food! What's the point of buying food outside of recess period when we're not allowed to eat it?? And judging by the reaction of the teacher in charged of the Koperasi, she wasn't informed of it either.

• managed to take my folio for binding and completed most of it
• unknowingly fell asleep when I was in my room
• went for tuition

Tuesday

• handed in folio on time
• all the classes received an enquiry form on whether they agree or disagree that the Koperasi should be allowed to sell food during recess and reasons why they agree (of course everyone will agree, but its mostly because everyone had to write their name and nobody wanted to make the Koperasi's teacher's balck list)
• fell asleep during Physics period even though I slept well the night before
• went home and unknowingly fell asleep again
• halfway through Physcis tuition it started raining
• "Asshole" insisted on me riding home no matter what saying that there's no rain at our area
• failed to negotiate with him
• already 2/3 parts soaked by the time I reached said area that "wasn't" raining
• drenched before I even reached home because said area was raining almost twice as hard
• dripping water from my completely soaked jeans, jacket and shirt
• phone got wet and proceeded to switch itself on and off, wallet was slightly damp
• some parts of my bag was wet but thankfully water didn't reach the inner parts
• bathed and fell asleep with no recollection of actually packing my bags and getting things ready for school

Wednesday

• woke up in a completely bad mood
• mood got worse as the day went on
• was in no mood to entertain my class teacher's attempts at cheering me up by making me laugh
• finally managed to climb out that bottomless pit of moodiness thanks to my awesome friends
• mood went south a little when I was forced to join the kawad competition because everyone else couldn't and I'm too nice a person to say no
• fell alseep unknowingly in my room for the 3rd time with no memory of even reaching home/opening the door/entering my room
• rained so had to have dinner with "Asshole" because I was in no mood to get wet again (even though I was still mad at him)
• half-lied by saying I was tired when he asked me why my expression was so moody
• kept being pushed by him into entering the medical field because it pays more and is less expensive than being a pilot but I told him NO when all the while I was thinking: SHUT THE FUCK UP

Thursday

• looked forward to the outing with friends in the evening
• stayed back for kawad practice which our "dear" commander decided to skip, like she always does
• placed keys in Friend E's bag because it was too heavy and would get in the way
• said friend left without telling me
• tried to contact her but she was napping like a pig of all things
• luckily a friend lived near my house and sent me back
• reached and found out no one was at home to let me in so I had to climb over my gate
• managed to bathe before a different person came to pick me up to head back to school with my spare motorbike key
• went for dinner with friends at Pizza Hut
• Friend E finally smsed me back halfway through dinner
• found out said friend placed it in Friend F's bag near the top but didn't tell Friend F because Friend E thought it was noticeable since it was such a big bunch but unfortunately Friend E forgot that Friend F can be pretty blur at times
• tried to contact Friend F before her tuition but no response
• couldn't completely enjoy shopping with friends (they shopped, I followed) because was still worrying about my keys
• saw Friend H and a few other people
• saw a guy that creeped us out
• went to Friend G's house since it was close by to wait until Friend F returns my calls
• figured how to use the speaker function on Friend G's house phone
• called Friend H who was really shy maybe because he was afraid I might hurt him or something
• called Friend I who was stuck at home with chicken pox and cheered her up ^^
• Friend F finally called me back and I could finally collect my keys and go home (HALLELUJAH!!)

Friday

• day started out ok but I knew it won't be for long
• was bored to death during class, as usual
• photostated IC for kawad competition certificaate after school ended
• went for Literature class at rival school
• hoped and prayed that it wouldn't rain otherwise I'd be in deep shit
• rushed back for kawad practice
• left late and had to rush home before it rained so I won't be late for tuition
• just started raining as I was reaching home
• slightly drizzling when I left the house straight after a quick shower
• relieved that it wasn't raining when I reached my tuition area
• picked up Friend J on the way
• was completely zoned out and couldn't really think straight due to exhaustion
• thankfully left to head back to Friend J's house for dinner
• went over to Friend I's house after dinner to visit her and keep her company before next tuition
• managed to convince her mom to let her bathe (poor girl)
• ended up staying way past time and was late for tuition XP
• enjoyed Witchery Ider Tea with extra pearl and had loads of laughs
• went home and ended up stoned on the bed before finally snapping out of it at 3+ in the morning and going to sleep

Saturday

• got woken up because of a loud banging on my room door by none other than "Mini Asshole"
• tried to go back to sleep but gave up after 10 minutes
• ate lunch and went to visit Friend I again and brought her some homework
• webcam-ed with the ridiculous Friend K who's image kept hanging
• spent the rest of the day at her place and bought her Witchery Ider Tea
• was completely pigging out at her place too
• went home and had to wait until "Princess" went out with her boyfriend before I could finally put my poor dogs out of they're misery

Sunday

• started typing this post at 2+
• done typing by 4+
• used as a scapegoat and accomplice again by "Princess"
• still hasn't decided what I'm going to do once I wake up
• is predicting that I'll either visit Friend I again or go watch a movie by myself

This is probably the longest post I'll ever be posting but who cares It been quite a long time since I've updated my blog anyway.

GOOD NIGHT

New Year Resolutions

Ya... I know it's really late 2 be writing this down since its practically the last day of January 2011 but better late than never right?

First of all, guess I should at least write how I ushered in the new year. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed myself this year when I wasn't expecting to. I went out with a group of people (you know who you are) and we sat around at Sanga until 11+ before we headed to Tanjung to continue the countdown. There was fireworks, bubbles everywhere, and people spraying foam on other people and of course we got caught in the crossfire. Happens all the time~ The fireworks was disappoinTing though. I know they could've splurged a bit more to at least put on a good show..... Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.

Anyways..... I got stuck as the monitor again this year. I'm so "hounoured". Everyone else in my class is so lazy...and when I say everyone, I MEAN everyone. They know how taxing the job is and they can't even man up and give me a break. They just have to chuck it back at me with lies like: "She gets the job done", "She's a good monitor", etc. It makes me so pissed just thinking about it.

Back to the main topic: New Year Resolutions

1. Play badminton every chance I get.

• Since I wanna be a pilot when I grow up, apparently I've gotta be really fit or something like that so I might as well get it done by doing something I enjoy. Plus it's really good exercise and even more fun when played with friends

2. Get most of my homework done on time

• No problem there. My new teachers aren't the lenient kind which pretty much means that everyone'll pass up they're homework on time....most of the time. Besides, I'm taking my SPM this year so there's not much room for slacking off

3. Go to all my tuitions

• This is also a piece of cake. There really isn't a reason for me to not go for all my tuitions, except when I'm sick, so I don't think there'll be any problem getting this done

4. Have as much fun as possible

• No surprise there. Of course I'm gonna want to have plenty of fun!! XD

5. Make more guy friends that I can hang out with

• Seriously. There's only so long I can take in an all girls school without going insane. Not that I'm saying I'm bored of all my girlfriends, its just that be surrounded by endorphins most of the time can't exactly be good for a person.

That should be it for now. Don't wanna have too many otherwise it'll just be extra luggage. TTFN people, and HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR~~!!!

Friends

What does the word "friends" mean?

There are many types of relationships you can have with someone else.

• Acquaintances
• Normal friends
• Pen-pals
• Close friends
• Best friends

Every single person in the world has a friend, even loners. A friend could be any person or anything. It could be someone you know, your pet, even an inanimate object. To me, a friend is a companion. You basically do things together, like hanging out, watching movies, generally just having fun and making memories together: good and bad.

The relationship you have with your friend is very special. It all starts with a meeting and a simple hello. If you like the person or have common interests, the relationship grows from there. To become friends, the relationship must have a key ingredient: you both like each other. If you hate each other, you tend to become enemies, not friends.

People tend to become close friends/best friends after many conversations, and they know things about the other that most people don't. Your friend becomes more of a shoulder to lean on, a comrade who listens, the person you tell your troubles to and stuff like that. You know where each others house is and have been there many times, you have tons of memories from when you both had a lot of fun together, you've gone shopping together, watched movies, slept over, know each others little quirks, etc.

Its hard to describe the relationship one has with another person. You usually just say: "He/She is my friend/close friend/best friend". Trying to describe it in words is like trying to draw air, you can't. Most of the time you don't even remember how the both of you met, you just know you did.

What I'm trying to say is, your friends are something you should cherish forever. Sure, sometimes you guys may have arguments, disagreements, fights, quarrels.... You should never let that come between you, especially if you've been friends for a long time. Don't let your ego/pride/jealousy ruin your friendship with someone, and holding a grudge will just make it worse.